sleeping..

This post has been edited to keep it about me and no one else.... it is after all about me, and no one else.

Here is one post, which is sort of just a dump from the mom on being mom.... here I am, 9pm at night, sitting on the "veranda" of our sort of hotel, baby monitor at my lapel, watching a ferret /mink run along the nearby stone wall, staring at the gorgeous mountains at Banff, gondolas in the distance, waiting for that illusive bigger wild animal to just stroll by, me...alone; At 8pm I'm in the small dorm-like room to bathe and put Zoe to bed, wishing I had the time or energy to go hiking, exploring, even swimming at the pool... not to mention that I forgot to bring either a swimming suit for either of us or a backpack to put Zoë in for a hike. Being a mom is a thankless and isolating job.. its not that I regret it, or that I'm not rewarded by the cuddling baby, who comes to me when she's happy, or sad, or scared... but that is not very reassuring when alone with a sleeping baby, who at any moment could startle awake and you are the only one who can put her back to sleep...

I'm not sure I really want to post this last topic that is on my mind for some time now, afraid of what people will think, but writing has always made me feel better.. oh what the heck...On the topic of sleeping, although Zoe does pretty well, with the twice nightly wakings for a quick suckle (and a long one at 7am), it did take me forever to figure out that the nights when she was waking up and screaming, and wouldn't go back to bed except at my side was mostly due to being afraid of the dark.. a nightlight has fixed that one. I felt so relieved that I hadn't listened to all of the pressure from everyone (ie anyone I talk to) who has anything to say on how you and your baby should spend your nights about the crying to sleep method... with fear of the dark, it would never have worked. I've got to stop reading those stupid baby books... "Your child should sleep through the night now, let them cry it out or you'll regret it".. really? Did you know that "sleeping through the night" is 5 hours straight according to some book I read.. only saw that in one of the books.. what else do they conviently leave out of the other books?
I think the nightlight thing could have slipped right past us, I think that would do more damage. I've decided that parenting of my own sort without the knowledge (ie stress and should-of-s) of those books seems to fit better.. reading and getting advice just makes me doubt myself, I feel awful... parenting is stressful enough. So -- no --even though you have a strong opinion on parenting, I don't think I want to hear it. I feel so snipey by saying so, but sometime my skin gets too thin.